Freedom vs FREEDOM
Topic: general observations
My divorce was finalised today; the papers were filed in the County Clerk's office 3.5 hours ago.

My ex-husband has been 2/3 of a continent away for 2 years. Yet having the papers in hand makes it so much more final feeling. Strange, yeah?

It was a bitter, acrimonious parting, 7th May 04--one day shy of our 18 month anniversary. The marriage truly ended less than six months after we were married.

Slowly we settled into an uneasy truce, which grew into friendship. We still talk, though at the moment he is in a correctional work-release facility, so we rarely talk.

I still call his mother Mom, his granddad Dad, and our niece my niece. I kept his family.

I'd never change anything if I could. I miscarried a baby three months into the marriage, which was a blessing. Had we become parents, he would never have returned to Colorado, where his family is and where he is most at home.

Book Suggestion: The Gift of Fear
Topic: Recommendations
Okay, so I don't often list recommendations for media (books, audio media, films) but this is a must read.

This book, written by security expert Gavin de Becker has been, for roughly nine years, my bible.

Gavin de Becker was never, as far as I know, educated formally in social sciences, psychology, criminology, etc before he started his work in safety and security.

His education was a lifetime of witnessing and experienceing abuse, amongst other things. He speaks candidly about his growing-up years.

Despite the lack of formal education, he was so astute in his observance of people and their behaviours that his firm now has clients such as the US Supreme Court, Hollywood celebrities, many prominent Universities.

His firm provides threat assessment and management and also protective services (ie bodyguarding).

This book could very well save your life- it has saved many since it's publication nearly a decade ago.

The problem people have with the book is that a lot of the advice seems counter-intuitive, to use Mr de Becker's own phrase.

When someone is being harrassed for example, they want someone to make it stop. They go to police, seek restraining orders, answer the phone calls or worse yet, return the harrasser's phone calls! But it doesn't end!

So how should you make it stop? By doing nothing. Don't answer the person's calls, don't RETURN the calls. Don't tell the person not to call. Don't call the police. Don't get a restraining order. Just DON'T react.

Yeah I know-counter-intuitive. I told you that. But it WORKS. Read the book to understand why.

One last note: this book probably saved my life, and definitely saved me from falling prey to a sex predator. I was in conversation with someone who attended my college (thank god we'd never met). I started seeing a lot of the signs that Mr de Becker discusses as being negative.

When I reviewed all of my conversations online with this person, I decided that I would no longer converse with him. When three friends (two cops and a psychology grad student) read the conversations, they all said the same thing: sex predator, don't meet him).

This book is another reason that Im not afraid to be out, alone, after dark.

Do yourself a favour and read this book-ESPECIALLY if you're a woman! Commit it to memory. It's worth it. It just might save your life.

Life Lessons
Topic: Life Lessons
In July 1997, at 18 years of age, I moved to a Boston suburb for 2.5 months

Lynn MA, a notoriously dangerous city, to be precise.

Lynn is considered the heroin pipeline for New England. Per Capita, its crime stats rival NYC's pre-Bratton/Giuliani. It was featuerd on COPS so many times my mother and I lost count.

My third night there, cops shot someone not 100 feet from my house (it WAS a justified shooting, but still . . .) my last night there I walked past nearly a dozen cop cars. A three-city drug bust was going on, and Lynn was one of the cities. It was one of the biggest in MA history, with the Boston Herald (or the Globe, I forget which) running a headline "Deadly Cache"

To visit my then-boyfriend at work, I had to walk past a crack house. I'm sure there were more, I only knew of that one for certain.

My first weekend there, a white guy (few and very far between) approached me. He was a fellow NYer. After a couple minutes he told me he was in the pharmacy business. This translates to he illegally peddles legal-by-prescription drugs. Hello!

I was one of three white people who LIVED in the neighbourhood-and I lived with BOTH of the others. Let me rephrase- I was one of three CAUCASIANS. There were some white people who were of hispanic or Latin descent.

To get home from work, I walked past hookers and gang members (interestingly that street was the junction of two rival gangs). I leart early on to avoid looking at drug deals going on openly. Actually, I learnt to ignore almost any crime. (I'd not have ignored assault or something else as serious, but prostitution and drug deals I can ignore if I have to).

My neighbourhood was roughly the third worst in the city. Probably one of the ten worst in the entire Metro-Boston area.

After living there, I dont scare easily. I dont intimidate easily. My previous entry (directly below this) alludes to that, hence my telling the story.

I laugh when people in Glens Falls (NY) ask why Im not afraid to walk about alone after dark here. When I stop laughing, I tell them an abbreviated version of the above story.

A quick lesson: It's safer to walk around a crowded area loaded with bars than it is to walk round an upscale, quiet, residential neighbourhood after dark. Men, wrap a rubber band round your wallet, women keep your purse closed completely and tuck it under your arm-if your worried about pick-pockets or purse snatchers.

As for why it's safer to be in a busy bar district than a quiet neighbourhood. More people = more witnesses = less crime. You will find a higher than average incidence of pick pocketing but much less violent crime.

Interesting Day
Topic: General Idiocy
Okay, so I was sitting on a bench at the bus stop blowing bubbles. Not chewing gum bubbles, but soap bubbles.

Guess I ought to back up for a minute. I was in the chemist's (drugstore) and saw a big bottle of bubble soap for US$0.99. So I said what the hell; I havent blown bubbles in far too many years. So I bought it.

Finally broke it out today. This guy walked into the bus shelter and sat down then asked, rather rudely if "I'd mind blowing my bubbles somewhere else." Um, okay-rude much?

I said no, Im not moving I was here first. (Oh yes, this is as he's LIGHTING A FUCKING CIGARETTE which bothers me. I used to smoke, so I am for smokers' rights. But if youre in an enclosed shelter, ASK if it bothers the person for fuck's sake!) He starts bitching both at and about me.

Finally, after he made a comment to which my response was admittedly rude, the fucker tries KICKING me! When he fails he settles for knocking my bag onto the bloody effing ground!

Oh that's it. You assault me, or attempt to, and I WILL go after you. So I hit the bastard. Never mind that he's as old as my father. You dont fucking try to attack me.

So he starts going on about it's a good goddamn thing Im a piss-ass woman, cos he doesn't hit women, and he's had guys a lot bigger than him (most every guy and quite a lot of women too) terrified and a couple he's "choked to death, almost."

Fine, I'm shaking in my shoes. Yeah right. When intimidation doesn't work, he says that he ought to call the police cos I hit him. I pointed to a cop in the parking lot of the police station across the street and said There's one not, go fuckin get him!

Needless to say, he declined. I've learnt if someone threatens to call police, they probably won't, and even if they DO plan on it, telling them go right the fuck ahead usually quells the idea.

I don't get intimidated easily, and I don't scare easily, from threats to my body or threats to have the police involved. More on why that is next blog (which will post ABOVE this one).

South Dakota Abortion Ban
Ok, everyone who is flipping out because of the recently publicised abortion ban in SD sit back, take a deep breath, and relax.

The law passed that makes it a felony to perform any abortion except in cases of immediate endangerment to the mother's life CANNOT stand.

It is direct violation of not only Roe v Wade (1973) but Planned Parenthood of Southeastern PA et al v Casey et al (1992).

The more recent decision, authored by Ms Justice O'Connor, permits ALL abortions until the fetus reaches the age of viability-that is, the age at which a fetus can survive outside the womb.

States may restrict any abortion after that time (typically 24-28 weeks if I am remembering correctly) except in the case of a medical emergency in which any doctor using reasonable judgement states that if an immediate abortion is not performed the mother will die.

We WILL see this case appealed to the SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the US); whether they accept it or not, that's another story.

South Dakota Abortion Ban
Topic: abortion
Ok, everyone who is flipping out because of the recently publicised abortion ban in SD sit back, take a deep breath, and relax.

The law passed that makes it a felony to perform any abortion except in cases of immediate endangerment to the mother's life CANNOT stand.

It is direct violation of not only Roe v Wade (1973) but Planned Parenthood of Southeastern PA et al v Casey et al (1992).

The more recent decision, authored by Ms Justice O'Connor, permits ALL abortions until the fetus reaches the age of viability-that is, the age at which a fetus can survive outside the womb.

States may restrict any abortion after that time (typically 24-28 weeks if I am remembering correctly) except in the case of a medical emergency in which any doctor using reasonable judgement states that if an immediate abortion is not performed the mother will die.

We WILL see this case appealed to the SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the US); whether they accept it or not, that's another story.

No torture I can think of . . .
Topic: Crime and Criminality
. . . is enough for these sick fucks. I am putting this behind a cut so that you may choose whether to continue. The post will be regarding a case of infant rape in the UK. I will say it is rather disturbing.

Story...

Sick of being sick
Topic: living and dying
This entry is most likely going to be my most controversial to date. That's saying a LOT!

I am, as my subject heading would indicate, ill. I have PTSD, generalised anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder-severe/recurring WITHOUT psychosis.

Unlike what Tom Cruise would have you believe (as well as thousands, if not millions, of nay-sayers) chemical balances DO exist. They cause illnesses such as diabetes, hyper-/hypo-thyroidism, and so on. So why are chemical imbalances in the brain so difficult to accept? Is it because we can't actually quantify levels of serotonin, dopamine, norepinepherine (neurotransmitters), and GABA (an amino acid also related to depression)? Was diabetes any less of an illness before scientists learnt how to quantify insulin levels? Of course not.

I have to fight to get people to accept my illness as real. I wish I had cancer. People accept not only as existing but also as a legitimate illness. You don't hear people tell cancer patients to "just get over it already."

There are days when it takes, literally, all of my energy, mental, physical, or both, to get out of bed. Forget about bathing, brushing my teeth, or even eating. Just getting from the bed, into my clothes, and sitting in my chair is a monumental task.

You read descriptions of people long ago who, now, we can diagnose as depressive. I recall reading in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book, at her first teaching post, the woman in the family housing her would only cook and do minimal cleaning. She didn't communicate often except to quarrel with her husband, she didnt care for their son, just sat in her chair all day. She had depression, though they didn't call it that then. Clearly this is not a new illness, it is only that we now can name and treat it.

I go for treatment 35 hours a week to a superb psychiatric hospital. I learn about my illness, about treatments, and learn skills to cope with it.

I am one of the unluckies for whom the illness (depression) is lifelong. In one of my groups, a woman said that her goal was to get back to how she was 'before.' I have no before. I have no frame of reference as to what a "normal" person feels. So how in the hell do I know what to strive for?! I don't. Talk about making life difficult!

I cannot leave the house without making sure that I have a supply of Xanax (XL) with me. People don't understand what it is like to have anxiety so severe that someone simply walking close to you will cause a panic.

I have to give my friends credit. They do TRY to understand my illness. But they can't. Not until they've lived it.

I let one friend read my journal. This journal has my darkest thoughts. This is where all of the anger, frustrations, anxiety, sadness, hurt, and so on flow out in the form of words and thoughts, comprehensible or not. I think she started to understand then.

Another friend, my best friend for more than 18 years, didn't think I should add another drug to my "cocktail." She doesn't want me to become dependent on them. Maybe she's right--I can't be dependent on psychotropic medication if I'm dead from suicide. (I added the medication by the way.)

At present, I take 60 mg Cymbalta, 450 mg Wellbutrin XL, and Lamictal (gradually increasing from 25 mg to 200/250 mg). This is simply to keep me fairly stable. It doesnt prevent backslides or crashes. They are rare, but terrifying.

If you're still reading this then I doubt you need this next part, but here it is, just in case:

Until you have been so depressed that you have the energy to get out of bed ONLY to go to the loo (bathroom), and crawl back into bed afterwards, until you skip eating for a day or two because you can't make a simple decision of WHAT to eat and by the time you do you are too tired or too ill to MAKE it, until you have walked a mile in my shoes, DO NOT judge me.

If you don't believe me, contact me; I'll let you shadow me for a few days. Maybe then you'll get it.

By the way; Im no longer a Tom Cruise fan. He lost a lot of fans last year--I think HE needs medication, frankly.

Bittersweet Memories
Topic: living and dying
27 years ago today, a new life-mine-began. Three weeks ago tomorrow, another life, my Mum's, ended.

I wish you could have known my Mum. She was special. There's a lot of her in me. But not enough.

I know she is watching over me. I know she's here. But I can't see her, hug and kiss her, or have a conversation with her.

And that hurts. So if it's all the same, I'll skip today. I don't want my birthday. I don't care that I'm older; I care that the woman who made my birthday possible is gone at 46.

It isn't fair, and it isn't right.

Live so that you will regret nothing (aka Thank you Orlando Bloom)
Topic: living and dying
I am ashamed to say that it took a movie to get me to visit my mother whilst she was alive. From early June until October I had only seen her once.

Then I saw Elizabethtown, with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. In the movie Drew (Orlando) loses his father. He realises that the thing they said they'd do together, they never did- a road trip to Elizabethtown KY, where his Dad's family is.

When I saw the movie, I realised that I HAD warning that my mum was dying, and I was in denial. So I went to see her. I regret all the lost months, and things we could have done that I always put off.

And I really miss her. I pick up the sodding phone every day to call her; to ask a question, laugh about something I saw or heard, or complain about a crappy day.

At least I had a little bit of time with her at the end. Had Orlando Bloom not been in that movie, I'd not have seen it. Had I not seen it, who knows how far my denial would've run? So I guess I'm saying: Thank you, Orlando Bloom.

UK Television
Topic: general observations
Americans call the Brits prudish, cold, frigid, etc. But have you ever watched British telly? I watched a made-for-tv movie-Lady Chatterly- starring Sean Bean and Joely Richardson. That movie wouldn't even be aired on SHOWTIME at 2 am here in the States!

Nudity is a lot more acceptable in Europe, including the UK, and after watching that movie, I could NEVER think of the Brits as prudish!

A Different kind of Thanksgiving
Okay, if you pay attention to any national news, you've heard about the windstorms that wreaked havoc in NYS (I'm not sure where else was affected).

I lost power for 58 hours. During those hours, I learnt a lot.

Our heat is hot water, but is heated not by gas like I thought but by electricity. Ice cream can still melt outside even if it's only 17? outside. Gas stoves are better than electric ones in an outage.

I am thankful for:
-fleece throws
-thick comforters
-gas ovens/ranges
-lots of frost in the freezer which saved all but a few things
-cellular telephones
-portable cd players and radios
-Flashlights
-BATTERIES!!!
-matches
-sweatpants and hoodies
-warm, cuddly cats
-a sense of humour

This was a trying weekend for sure. First we had my mother's funeral, then we get nailed by a winstorm that did tremendous amounts of damage.

So far the death toll is at 4 or 5. I pray that is as high as it gets.

Addition to Idiot Drivers rant
Topic: Idiocy behind the Wheel
Okay folks, Driver's Ed 101:

When a power failure causes traffic lights to stop working, you treat the stop as an all-stop intersection. You know, like a freaking STOP SIGN!

In case I confused you above, an all-stop is an intersection where there is a stop sign on each corner, and ALL vehicles must STOP! Typical yield regulations that apply at traffic signs then apply here. Pretty straight forard, yeah? Yeah, unless you live in NY apparently.

Due to EXTREMELY high winds yesterday, area lost power over 24 hours ago (thank god for a friend a town over WITH power).

I witnessed I don't know HOW many acts of idiocy yesterday at stoplights.

The wait is over
My dear Mum lost her 12 year battle with cancer 14 February 2006. She was 46 years old.

I know that she is with my grandparents, and also the soul of the baby I miscarried in 2003, but it is of small comfort to me.

People tell me how sorry they are. I rarely know what to say back--thank you just doesn't seem to cut it, but it is the best I know of.

This loss weighs heavily on me, even though I'd THOUGHT I was handlng it well.

I want to end this entry with a reminder- make sure you know your breast tissue. This includes men! You don't need to do a formal self exam every month, but you SHOULD know the normal feel and texture of the breast tissue (pectoral muscles on men).

If you feel something, or you have a discharge from your nipples and you're not a lactating mother or wet nurse, DO NOT IGNORE IT!

If your doctor puts you off, like one did to my mum, get another opinion. My mum waited 5 years before getting another opinion. I can only take small comfort in the work she did whilst alive.

Someone Special
Topic: living and dying
I mentioned my mum in my last entry. Once again I feel compelled to write.

She was born 14 July 1959. She was a 'midlife surprise' to her parents. She had a pretty miserable childhood-tormented by peers and sexually abused by at least one person. Somehow she grew up to be a wonderful, caring, warm, kind-hearted woman.

She didn't deserve this cancer that is killing her. No one deserves to live (and die) like this. As I write this, her body has started shunting blood away from her arms and legs in order to supply the vital organs. She is breathing shallowly, in short gasps. She's not woken up in 48+ hours.

I swore, mere months ago, that I wouldn't leave her side this close to death; that I would be with her. But I can't. I said my last goodbyes to her Monday the 6th, and haven't seen her since.

I try to tell myself that it's okay; she doesn't know. But *I* know. Because I want my last memories of her to be good. I feel horribly selfish.

Emptiness
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day)
Emptiness is worse than physical pain. With physical pain, you know it won't last. Sooner or later, it will quit hurting. You don't have that comfort when losing a loved one rips a hole in you.

My beloved mother, a wonderful, loving, caring, giving, warm person, is very nearly dead, from a cancer that has eaten away at her for more than 11 years. She is seldom conscious at this point, and know one knows what her level of comprehension is at this point.

She is at my aunt's house as neither my brother nor I can care for her properly. I call at least once, usually twice, a day to check on how she is. I said my final goodbyes a week ago; the next time I see her she will be in a coffin.

I'm missing being able to ring her up anytime and visit with her. Or to call with a cooking question. And then there was the future. She was supposed to catch my babies when I had them. She won't be there to see my second wedding, to be in the pictures with my father and me.

And as the old saying reminds us: It will get worse before it gets better.

Emptiness
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day)
Topic: living and dying
Emptiness is worse than physical pain. With physical pain, you know it won't last. Sooner or later, it will quit hurting. You don't have that comfort when losing a loved one rips a hole in you.

My beloved mother, a wonderful, loving, caring, giving, warm person, is very nearly dead, from a cancer that has eaten away at her for more than 11 years. She is seldom conscious at this point, and know one knows what her level of comprehension is at this point.

She is at my aunt's house as neither my brother nor I can care for her properly. I call at least once, usually twice, a day to check on how she is. I said my final goodbyes a week ago; the next time I see her she will be in a coffin.

I'm missing being able to ring her up anytime and visit with her. Or to call with a cooking question. And then there was the future. She was supposed to catch my babies when I had them. She won't be there to see my second wedding, to be in the pictures with my father and me.

And as the old saying reminds us: It will get worse before it gets better.

Dear Asshat
Topic: general observations
Dear Asshat(s);

Please note a few things that may have escaped your attention.

You may wear perfume/aftershave/cologne, but please understand that just because you think it smells wonderfull doesn't mean we all do. Could you please refrain from BATHING in it!

It is a widely accepted custom to excuse yourself in the market if you are going to walk right in front of someone.

Furthermore, If I am standing in front of the effin' dairy case, please ASK if you may just barge in ahead of me to get what you wanted.

Note to those for whom single-file is a foreign concept. Other people wish to walk in the same area you are occupying. MOVE. I am going to stop swerving or side-stepping to avoid hitting you. I am big. I walk fast. It will hurt you.

If you are coming out of an aisle in the store, PAUSE and make sure that the coast is clear. Just like side roads yield right of way to main roads, so do side aisles yield to main aisles.

Do not stop dead in the middle of the aisle. Just don't.

If you are going to back up, LOOK and make sure I'm not standing BEHIND YOU. I will kick the next one of you that steps on me whilst doing this!

The phrase 'excuse me' is commonly accepted to be a very polite way of saying 'get the fuck out of my way asshole.' Commit that to memory.

Parents, yes, your children are energetic, yes they like to walk. They do NOT need to race about screaming and darting in front of shoppers. Mind your children.

Finally, if I say something to a friend coming up the aisle, even if I say it loudly, it does not give you permission to stare at me. Look yes. Stare NO.

Justice for the Criminals: Pretextual Stops, Illegal Searches, and Invalid Tickets
Topic: Criminal justice System
Same bus ride, same driver, this story is true.

A friend's son was driving home on a restricted (Junior) licence (In NYS you have a junior/restricted licence until your 18th birthday, or for six months-whichever is longer).

We have a five-way intersection in town, and no signal is required to go from Ridge St to Rte 9 southbound, as it's a fairly straight shot.

Police pulled the kid over on the grounds of failure to signal a turn. They issued a ticket for that, and told him they needed to search the car. They detained him long enough that he was now out past the 2100 (9pm) deadline for junior drivers. So they issued a ticket for driving out of [licence] class.

Now, number one, a signal is NEVER used at that intersection. Not even by the cops.

Number two, the police had no grounds to search the car, and played on the kid's ignorance of civil liberties (4th amendment ring a bell?) to demand a search. An illegal search.

Number three, THEY were the reason he was driving out of class, and furthermore, you are permitted to drive out of class on a junior licence if you are on your way home from school or a school-related activity, or from work.

The kid fought the tickets, and won, but still had to pay court costs.

I don't know who this officer (officers?) was (were), but I am not surprised in the least that they were from my town's PD. This is the PD I ranted about earlier, that refused to take a black friend's complaint (more discrimination!)

Now, I don't scream discrimination or racism at every stop. I usually am the opposite. But my PD is showing that of them care more about harrassing kids and ignoring minorities than stopping crime.

So once again, it's Justice for the Criminals(c) and the rest of us get screwed.

What would YOU have done?
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: general observations
I really ought to take the bus more often. I get so many topics from conversations I hear!

The story I heard, I was unable to verify, so I am chalking it up to a rumour. However, I am going to post it because it's a good lesson.

Allegedly, at a local supermarket, a man was in distress and needed an ambulance. A female employee went to call 911, but was told it needed to be cleared with management; "Store Policy"

So 911 was called too late and the man died.

Now frankly, I think this story smells fishier than the inside of a seafood shop. However I'll continue.

Who is to blame was the question that arose. Indeed, if that is the store policy, then the store bears some of the blame--the lion's share perhaps. However, this woman apparently had no moral conscience, because she didn't force the issue.

Someone yelled at me that "I don't know what it's like to be so afraid of losing your job that you'd do anything to keep it."

Um, excuse me?

I have been afraid of losing my job in the past. And I have done some things, or seen and not reported some things I ought to've. But NONE of them involved a life-threatening situation.

I have to look at myself in the mirror. I have to live with my conscience. I will never be so afraid of losing my job that I will not help someone in dire need.

I had a discussion at work one time with a boss and another employee; hypothetically how we would handle if someone choked (it was a restaurant) or had a heart attack.

I know CPR, I was an EMT at one point. I said that I would perform CPR while someone called an ambulance.

My boss looked right at me, not joking, and said I wasn't getting paid to do CPR on customers.

Say WHAT?! I responded that if that were the case, if the situation ever arose, she could fire me, because I would do CPR.

I know where *I* stand on this issue. Do you?